Katie Price Does Not Want to Talk About It

Speaking to the Sun on Tuesday the ex-model said: “Yeah, I got raped but I did not report it and I don’t want to talk about it either. I don’t want anybody asking who did it and I don’t want any future questions asked about this incident even though I’m telling you now not to talk about it. Comprende? Or summink like that.”

The ex-model who has been touting the fact that she does not want anyone to talk about her rape by a mystery person to all the tabloid papers and gossip mags all week now is exhausted and needs her sixth holiday in two months.

“I’m going to have to have another holiday with meathead at some dodgy Benidorm package slapper hell resort where I will invite all the tabloids to join me as long as they keep pestering me about the rape incident by the mystery fella. He’s a top celeb I tell ya but I won’t tell you’se lot who he is yet,” Jordan tells a waiting crew of paparazzi she has invited into her bathroom to watch her wiping her arse.

Investigators are wondering who could have raped Jordan? Perhaps Israel? Or maybe some D-lister with who was caught out when the cheque bounced resulting in Jordan going around the world’s press telling everyone not to talk about someone who ‘allegedly’ raped her after her public profile plummeted recently.