Surgeons to Give Madonna New Arms

The ground breaking operation will take about 12 hours in which to amputate Madonna’s used arms and to implant a pair of arms taken from a younger donor from China.

Speaking from New York’s top hospital in Queens, Professor Herman Schweinhund said: “Madonna’s prune arms are going to have to go. She has ruined them through the use of injected vitamins that have damaged the vein structure irreversably. F*ck me though, if her arms look like that what does her overused c**chie look like? Anyway, we will take the arms off then implant the new ones. It’s as easy as one, two, three.”

Madonna flew to China last week on a secretive visit to choose her donor from a large selection of young ladies.

“She chose China because they have very liberal laws on organ donors. Usually organs are harvested from donors when they are still alive, such is the profitability of the trade for the communist government. The donors are of course compensated approximately one year’s wages which is about $320.The Chinese government of course charges Westerners huge sums of money for the body parts. Most of the donors usually don’t make it so the money goes to the families. The whole procedure is considered a great honour for the families and the donors,” Professor Schweinhund added.

One of Madonna’s aides told the Daily Squib that she came to the drastic decision to replace her old mutton arms a few weeks ago when she was jogging in Central Park: “She scares little children and animals when she swings her arms around. That was the clincher right there. We have had many instances when we have had to cover up her grotesque arms with a sheet or anything that is available at the time. I hope she does not ruin her new arms when they will be implanted soon.”

Madonna’s current boyfriend, Jesus Gigolo, 24, was said to be ecstatic at the news: “You mean I won’t have to close my eyes everytime she touches me? She pays well, but it has been bloody torture of late I tell you.”