Hotel Guests Emergency Airlift from Luxury St Lucia Resort

Hotel guests at the £300 per night Le Sport Spa hotel were left fuming today after an emergency evacuation to Martinique.

The luxury Le Sport Spa was overrun by a wild animal that would seek out any alcohol or drugs it could find and devour it all. One minute guests would be sitting at their tables sipping their cocktails, then they would look down to see their once full glasses all empty and the creature scurrying away giggling at its triumph.

“I ordered six Pina Coladas yesterday and I only got to drink a tiny sip of each. Every time I would look away or speak to my husband Gerald, this hairy thing would dart under our table and with a long straw finish off my drink. Sometimes it had the audacity to burp afterwards then scurry off saying ‘no, no, no’. Eventually we just paid the huge bill and left to our room when the creature appeared out of the darkness for the last time all dishevelled and with wild black hair. It demanded some cigarettes off us but we said we did not smoke. That’s when the abuse started so we rushed off as quick as we could,” Mona Rossiter, 47, a holidaymaker from Tunbridge Wells told our local reporter.

The creature seems to be female and has even used its charms to bag a few unsuspecting male guests.

“I was walking by the beach-front when this animal creature grabbed me by the hair and dragged me into a bushy area. She demanded I hand over my cigarettes and any alcohol I had on me. I said I didn’t have any and was just in my swimming trunks. That’s when she grabbed me and ravished my body for four hours solid and demanded I sate her desires. Afterwards I managed to stagger back to the main lobby where I could receive medical attention for the deep lacerations on my back, buttocks, face and bollocks. I was airlifted to a nearby hospital where I was treated for severe dehydration and cuts,” Bosh Jewman, 28, a distraught holidaymaker who retold his harrowing story from his hospital bed in nearby Martinique.

Guests at the £300-a-night Le Sport Spa resort on St Lucia are said to
be glad to be away from the roaming wild animal who has been seen
wandering around the now empty resort trying to sniff out more drugs and booze.