Kerry Katona Gives Birth to Bag of Cocaine

Kerry Katona has thanked her fans for their messages of support from her hospital bed this afternoon after she gave birth to a large bag of pure white cocaine five weeks early.

Doctors at Macclesfield Hospital delivered the package without any spillages after inducing labour early.

A spokesperson from her publicist’s office told reporters: “At present both mum and the yeyo are not in any distress and the mother has already started to snort the baby.”

Kerry Katona’s spokesperson made a poignant statement from her bedside:

“Kerry would like to thank all the tabloids and gossip papers for their full coverage and attention and also the doctors and nurses who are providing excellent care in delivering the cocaine safely. The chavette face of Iceland and her family can begin snorting in earnest.”

Kerry’s new baby will be called “Charlie”, named after her favourite pastime.

The 27-year-old was believed to be in the middle of filming the final episodes of her controversial MTV fly-on-the-wall show, Crazy In Love, when her cocaine induced contractions began on Wednesday night.

Her pregnancy has been plagued with rumours of photographers and film crews abandoning the birth coverage, allegations which she has denied vehemently.

The celebrity mother has been allegedly filmed on multiple occasions drinking large quantities of alcohol, smoking cigarettes and snorting crack cocaine as well as freebasing the pure white crystals whilst pregnant.

Last week Kerry was given the all-clear after an ultrasound scan revealed she is holding a bag of pure cocaine ripe for the snorting when it finally pops out of her.

Her freeloader husband Mark, 37, was believed to have taken his heavily pregnant wife to hospital only after he finished the level he was playing on his computer game.

The couple, of Warrington, Cheshire, are already parents to unlucky one-year-old Foo-foo Dust.

Kerry has two other unfortunate girls with ex-Westlife star Brian McFadden – Blow Dust, six, and Candy C, five.