Sun Newspaper to Have Zero Sales

Rupert Murdoch is canning Page 3 and may even close the Sun newspaper down forever, columnists and editors who work on the tabloid have revealed.

“I don’t think there is a graph that will illustrate how far below zero the sales will go. I mean Page 3 is the Sun, and without it it might as well be a bird without tits, sorry about that one Angelina, but in all seriousness, I’ve packed my 10,000% zoom telephoto lens camera and mobile phone hacking gear away already, as for the brown envelopes stuffed with cash which we give to certain people, mentioning no names, we’ve had to give them back to Rupert. Fair game, innit, we had a good run. Bet they’re celebrating in Liverpool right now,” deputy editor of the Sun, Argyll Philthe, told the Feminist Times on Tuesday.

There have been calls for one last splash across Page 3, maybe every single Page 3 babe who has ever graced the newspaper should get their baps out one last time, even the ones from the 1970s who are still alive or have turned into crusties on marches.