Idiots at Unilever Finally Realise That Woke Branding Loses Money

Unilever’s new CEO Hein Schumacher has finally woken up to the fact that his predecessor potato head Alan Jope was running the company into a smelly woke sewer, bleeding profits like a cluster of suppurating haemorrhoids.

Oh, the grand revelation, folks! Can you believe it? Hellmann’s mayo is apparently no longer the almighty saviour of the planet that we once thought it was. Instead, it’s just good old sarnie spread, not the holy grail of egg-based environmentalism we were promised!

And Dove soap? Well, it turns out it’s only useful for the mundane act of showering. Who knew? And as for Ben & Jerry’s, it’s been served a cold scoop of reality – their tasty ice cream doesn’t actually have profound insights on international conflicts or transexual rights. Sorry, folks, cookie dough can’t solve the world’s problems, you just shove it down your throat by the bucket load.

Anti-woke rescue mission

In a stunning twist of events, Hein Schumacher, the new head honcho of Unilever, has put the kibosh on the soggy Marxist wokeness that has infected the company for the past decade. He’s promising to return to the good old days of making and selling useful products instead of woke virtue signal preaching to its customers.

But, oh, what a long and arduous journey it will be to escape the treacherous tides of corporate wokery! Schumacher might find it as tough as teaching a cat to sing opera.

This change of direction is long overdue, to say the least. Unilever has been trailing behind its competitors for years, its previous numbskull CEO Alan Jope thankfully got the boot, and shareholders were none too pleased with the virtue signalling. Even Nelson Peltz, the American corporate raider, hopped on board.

Schumacher finally admitted that not every brand needs to save the world or push a social purpose. What a shocker! He must have discovered that Magnum ice creams aren’t the answer to saving rainforests after all. He does not want to repeat the same death dive to the bottom as exhibited by Anheuser-Busch.

Unfortunately, Unilever’s share price has been taking a leisurely stroll downhill, unlike its competitors like Nestlé and Procter & Gamble, who are laughing all the way to the bank. It’s been a pitiful performance, and if they continued down this path, they’d probably end up at a car boot sale for corporate raiders or private equity firms.

But Schumacher is in for a wild ride as he tries to shake off the social purpose baggage. First off, it’s embedded in the organisation like a fat fucking blood bloated tick on a dog. For years, they’ve been hiring based on political views, not merit, and promotions have been doled out for parroting the right Marxist woke slogans. Good luck trying to change that culture. The woke leftist zealots are firmly embedded and will have to be shoe-horned out.

Go woke, go …

Then there’s the problem of forgetting how to sell stuff. Unilever has been so busy preaching woke moral leadership that they’ve forgotten the basics of brand building. They’re not launching new products, extending their existing brands, or utilising new media effectively.

And to top it off, they sold Dollar Shave Club, which they bought for a billion dollars seven years ago, for practically nothing. Meanwhile, their rival Harry’s is still shaving away profits. Looks like their marketing muscles have been replaced by diarrhoea.

The backlash against corporate wokery is in full swing, and Unilever is the latest to jump off the fake diversity bandwagon. Finally, they’ve realised that their average customer just wants to look good and slim, not be preached about social justice issues. It’s about fucking time, folks!

But turning back the clock to when Unilever made things “whiter and tastier” won’t happen overnight. It’ll be a long and bumpy road, and shareholders shouldn’t hold their breath for quick returns. So, here’s to the return of practical products, and goodbye to the days of mayonnaise-inspired far left woke anti-capitalist virtue-signalling tin-pot socialist money-losing dreams!