Obama: “Caliphate Welcome at White House Any Time”

A jovial president Obama saunters into the Oval office and sits back in his chair putting his feet up on an empty desk.

“Just had the best round of golf I had in ages, but I guess gotta do some work huh,” the president said yawning.

“You know what? I said I don’t have a plan for this ISIS thang, but while playing golf I thought to myself I do have a plan for this ISIS crisis, and I’m gonna do what I always do — talk. Hey Michelle, get onto my secretary, tell her she needs to send the invites out ASAP. Don’t forget to mention that we will not tolerate beheadings in the White House, dang that shit would mess up the carpets and put me in mo trouble.”

The Caliphate has been cordially invited to dine with the President of the United States, and hopefully all the troubles in the Middle East will subside once and for all.

Obama is so keen to host the Caliphate that he has chartered several passenger planes for the ISIS entourage to be picked up from some captured Libyan airport and flown to Washington D.C.

“The first thing I’m gonna say to the Caliph is, nice watch is it Rolex, I like to play golf a lot, how about you, do you like golf? You see you gotta be nice. Then I’m gonna say, listen about the new Caliphate, I’ve been watching you guys carving up some serious territory over there, gotta say kinda impressed, but don’t forget the people who armed you in the first place, we’re all ears here and we have the expertise for oil fields, you’re gonna need specialist machinery, maintenance, spare parts, the whole shabang.

“We got open borders here in the United States, so the Caliphate could easily make Caliphornia their new North American base, wow, Caliphate in Caliphornia got a nice ring to it. I’m so excited, but not just me bro, Michelle here has got some great food for y’all. Right now she’s preparing a plate with a piece of lettuce, a pea, and a four month old dried piece of organic biscuit, like what she got the school lunches to give kids here. We know you’re going to enjoy your stay. Mi casa su casa.”