United Nations Designates America Third World Status

Speaking from UN headquarters in Geneva, Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said:

“I am honoured to classify the United States as a Third World nation. The US is in dire need of UN aid. We are mobilising UNHCR, WFP and WHO, to provide much needed assistance to the American people.”

President Barack Obama, has greeted the UN ruling by holding a keynote speech at the White House:

“When I came into office, I promised Change, well, I have fulfilled my promise my fellow Americans. I am pleased to announce the wonderful news that the United States is now a designated Third World country, and I have accepted the UN’s help in stabilising our once great nation. My dear Americans, I want every man, woman and child to stand outside their homes to accept deliveries of grain, water and essential medical assistance.  The UN will however not be providing assistance to citizens with weapons, therefore I urge those who wish to feed their families to hand over their guns to the relevant agencies in the field. God bless our nation, it has been an honour serving me.”

Those who do have access to a radio can find hourly updates on the situation and directions to the nearest refugee camp. Please stay in your homes, as aid agencies will be assisting communities in every region.