Hegseth Backs Down on Fat Generals

At a highly unusual gathering of the US military’s highest-ranking officers on Tuesday, Pete Hegseth, the US defence secretary, rallied more than 800 admirals and generals at Marine Corps Base Quantico in Virginia to “prepare for war” as he told many of the top brass that he would not tolerate “fat generals” any more.

One of the stipulations Hegseth concentrated on was fat generals bringing down the image of the military.

Hegseth presented a healthy eating diet plan which included things like lettuce, carrots, celery, cucumbers and cabbage soup.

“We don’t want fat fucks telling our troops to go and fight the enemy, we want generals upholding a vision of fitness and strength. No more junk for you blubber guts. Stop eating shit. Y’all need to back off the fried foods and donuts.”

After two days of salads and cabbage soup, many of the generals were revolting and publicly smearing Hegseth and his unrealistic expectations.

“I can’t eat this shit. Lettuce and a few frickin’ pieces of tomato. Fuck that, gimme a huge T-bone and a tub of goddamn beer,” one 4-star general quipped.

By Thursday, Hegseth eventually capitulated with a round of donuts and plenty of pizza for the 800 generals and admirals.