GOOD NEWS: Corrupt Comrade Rayner Has Been Caught

Comrades, we have some double-plus good news to tell you. As you all already know, the corrupt and treacherous Comrade Rayner was last seen in Hove, and our Stasi agents were investigating her whereabouts.

The criminal was caught early on today by our brave Stasi officers, and we are pleased to reveal that Comrade Rayner will be hanged for her crimes next Monday.

Congratulations to Jessica Dillfrother, 14, of Pol Pot Road, Sector 439, who reported Comrade Rayner’s whereabouts today at 12:00 HRS to local Stasi officers. She will receive a used toothbrush, and a dead cat, plus she has been granted an increase in salt rations of 0.0453 grams per annum.

Comrades, you are all urged to come to Red Parliament Square on Monday, commencing at 14:00 HRS. Bring the family, as this will be a grand event where Comrade Rayner will be hanged, then made into Red Ed Miliband’s famous Net Zero Juice — the nutritious and refreshing Soviet British drink of choice.

REMEMBER – LOOK, LISTEN AND REPORT!