British Army Regiments to be Reduced to One Soldier

British army regiments used to number approximately 600 soldiers, but because of the recruitment crisis and underfunding, each regiment will only have one soldier, the Ministry of Defence has announced.

Charge of the Really Light Brigade

“If we went to war tomorrow, we could maybe find one or two tanks and have three old reconditioned jets from the 1980s in the air. Because of the lack of recruitment and personnel leaving the army as well as severe lack of governmental funding, each regiment will be reduced to a single soldier. This could cause a bit of a problem on the battlefield, but alas, we have no other choice in the matter,” Major General Humphrey Sandwich told The Sunday Times.

There was no mention of Britain’s Navy, which is down to one ship, HMS Turgid, which breaks down every few days and is currently out of service due to the propellers falling off whilst on manoeuvres in the Atlantic Ocean last week.

Sunak Government Responds

PM Rishi Sunak has vowed to add more funding to the military, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt this week promised to give the army £6.54 funding to help the shortfall.

“I am confident that an additional £6.54 to the £4.31 added earlier in the year will help bolster Britain’s defences, especially as the augurs for global conflict are increasing daily. Britain has no means of manufacturing anything any more, but that’s okay, we can always make projectiles out of pebbles and little stones. In the event that the Russians or Chinese invade, I have put in place provisions for the manufacturing of white surrender flags made from used bedsheets,” the Chancellor announced on Sunday.