New Chancellor: “I Think I Pressed the Wrong Button. Sorry!”

The new Chancellor of the Exchequer, Kwasi Kwarteng today conceded that he may have made a little mistake with his new budget.

“Er, I was never very good at maths at school. I don’t even know what 7 x 4 is … (clacking on calculator) … oh, that’s what it is. Anyway, er…I think I owe everyone who is going to lose their home, their business and their entire livelihood an apology. As for the NHS, that’s fucked as well. By next week, you won’t have a pension, a home and an NHS. Oops!”

How did all of this happen?

Apparently Kwasi Kwarteng, who is barely literate or numerate, pressed the wrong button for the economy.

“They told me to go in a room where there were all these buttons and lights flashing on and off. To be honest, it all confused me. Liz had told me to press a certain button, but I am not sure I pressed it because I tripped up, and my arm fell on a panel with multiple buttons. Was it the red button, or the yellow flashing one, or maybe the green one? Oh dear, dearie me!”

Don’t forget to vote Tory next election.