Review: Joe Biden Airways First Class Lounge From Kabul, Afghanistan

We are so excited today, we’re flying on Joe Biden Airways and have been given First Class tickets to travel on the flagship American airline.

The Taliban have just taken over the entire city of Kabul, so hailing a taxi to the airport is out of the question. Amongst the running crowds of Afghans fleeing in abject terror, we find a few crumpled bicycles. It’s approximately 3 miles to the airport, so we head off.

The Taliban trucks armed to the teeth are already patrolling the streets. On the way, we notice some beauty salons having their windows whitewashed, apparently they will be shut down permanently from now on.

Overhead, Chinooks carrying U.S. embassy staff constantly fly over our heads. Wonder if they will get to fly on Joe Biden Airways like us lucky ones?

There are no women on the streets anymore, they are all at home cowering in terror at what is to come. Being made into a Taliban sex slave is the most probable outcome, as we have seen before.

My partner in crime is Janine, a photo journalist for some agency based in New York. She is dressed in full Burqa attire and looks rather funny trying to ride her bike through the fleeing Afghan crowds. She can barely see out of the letterbox slot, so I have to give her directions, at one time she almost goes headlong into a massive pothole, only missing it with a sharp shout from me –“right!”

We eventually arrive at Kabul airport. There are literally thousands of Afghans here all running around, shouting, climbing walls, climbing aeroplanes, throwing babies over walls, climbing over each other.

“Excuse me, do you know where the First Class lounge is for Biden Airways?” I ask a U.S. Marine waving a meaty M27 IAR affixed with a shiny looking ACOG Squad Day Optic around. He points towards the main airport building, which seems to be covered by mounds of people. Calmly, he lowers his gun, levels it and shoots three Afghans who are trying to climb a wall into the militarized zone. Their fresh steaming brains glisten ominously in the Afghan sunshine.

“Shit! Did you see that, Janine?”

“No! I can’t see anything, but I heard it!”

Quickly, we join a crowd of about 15,000 people trying to get into the airport’s main building. Will we need boarding passes, and our passports stamped? There is no one at the Check-in desks, just Afghans carrying carpets and live chickens in baskets.

Finally, I spy a sign upon yonder — “Joe Biden Airways – FIRST CLASS LOUNGE”

When we get to the door, I immediately imagine myself sitting back with a newspaper, a coffee and Danish pastry or two, a beautiful female attendant whispering sweet nothings in my ear, and the gentle lulling sound of air con, mixed in with some Muzak.

Instead, we are greeted by a very angry looking turbaned beardy Taliban official not only holding an AK-47, but dozens of rusty old Soviet-era grenades.

“Er, is this the first class lounge for Joe Biden Airways? Here’s our ticket…”

“په ځمکه کې ښکته شئ تاسو امریکایی خنزیر ناپاک یاست.”

Read the next instalment of this enthralling review of Joe Biden Airways, from Kabul, Afghanistan next week.