Scotland After Independence According to Nicola Sturgeon

Nicola Sturgeon today set out the key parts of the SNP election manifesto of things it would do within its next five-year term if re-elected in May. Scotland after independence will be a utopian paradise where Scots will think they have died and gone to heaven.

They include:

• Abolish NHS dentistry charges
• Free booze and fags for life
• Free heroin for life
• Free deep-fried Mars bars
• Increase social care funding by more than £800 million over the next parliamentary term
• Increase health spending by £2.5 billion
• Invest more than £33 billion in infrastructure in the next five years
• Freeze income tax rates and bands, and alter thresholds by no more than inflation
• Start work on ‘minimum income guarantee’ – a form of universal basic income – that would become a Citizens’ Basic Income if independent
• £10million funding to companies to pilot a four-day working week.
  Government-funded childcare expanded to one and two-year-olds
• A new independence referendum

As for independence, Sturgeon has made some incredible promises to Scots if they vote for her.

“Every day will be a holiday, the sun will always shine, you know like it shines out of my arse. We will give you free money every day, so you can have as much heroin as you want, and drink as much as you want with no work to do ever again. People will be all bonnie and dancing in the streets all day and night long.”

When asked how Scotland would pay for all of this, there was only silence from Nicola Sturgeon.