God: “Slow it Down a Bit Will You – Running Out of Cloud Space”

As the deaths increase in rate around the globe from the Chinese Virus, it seems God is getting a bit nervous with things like overcrowding in heaven.

“We have a backlog up here, the queues at the Pearly Gates extend for hundreds of miles as we are trying to process all these souls as fast as possible.

Shortage of wings

“We are also running out of cloud space, souls like to have their own cloud, but now we have to have four or five to one tiny cloud. Tensions are rising, as some cloud blockers refuse to move on to the main light foyer. We are also seeing a serious shortage in wings. I have asked the wing department to up production.

Flatten the curve

“I have got my son Jesus to do some work, he’s usually lazing on his exclusive cloud next to Mary, but I told him, I said, c’mon do some admin or something, maybe send some of these down to the other place where Satan chills out. Look into some of these souls a bit better, you surely will find some discrepancy, something that is truly unforgivable. We need to flatten the curve here, immigration is getting too much.”

Meanwhile, Satan has also said his work is cut out, with an increase in residents.

“We need to flatten the curve the rate of souls coming here, my demons are working day and night processing the new residents, they keep saying they’re Christians and that always gives us a giggle as we push them into the fire. I have the most fun with the Evangelical Christians who come straight down here without even a judgement at the Pearly Gates, pushing them into the lava and hearing them shout about their private jets is particularly enjoyable.

“I got on the hotline to speak to my creator and buddy, God, and ask him if he wants a few souls, instead he sends more down here. Phew, I used to get a kick out of all of this but it’s becoming an administrative nightmare. I’ve got to hire more staff.”