Blair Congratulates Assad on Job Well Done

Mr Blair has been officially invited to Damascus to stay with the Assads in mid-June at the palace.

“When I saw the headlines about all those Arab children murdered in cold blood by Assad’s forces, I got goosebumps all over. You know how it is when you get moments of nostalgia, I too remembered the wonderful times Dubya and I had in Iraq and Afghanistan condemning millions of people to be displaced from their homes; dumping tonnes of depleted uranium on their land and carpet bombing large swathes of the country killing hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians. I have to say though, he hasn’t done nearly as good as I did, but then again, he doesn’t get pay offs from large banking institutions like I have,” Mr Blair said from the Leveson Whitewash Inquiry.

Mr Assad made a statement through Syrian state television last night: “My good friend Tony Blair is coming to visit me, just like he visited Colonel Gaddafi until he was deemed not useful anymore. I have tried to impress Tony with my killing sprees but speaking on the phone last night, he reminded me that I still have a long way to go innit until I get to his level of coldblooded murder.”