Gingrich Uses Wife to Secure More Funding

“One stare from Newt Gingrich’s wife and people just hand over the cash,” Jerry Sandweiss, Gingrich’s campaign manager, told reporters assembled at a conference hall during a recent fundraising event.

People waited in the audience for Gingrich and his secret weapon to turn up, and a big black curtain was draped over the stage.

“Suddenly there was a noise and we heard the sound of change in a pocket, ching ching, and they raised the curtain. That’s when we saw her and I’m not shitting you people just started to cringe, one man had an embolism right next to me and fell to the ground with blood tricking from his ear holes and eyes, another man screamed so loud it hurt, you know like a high pitched gonad scream, he didn’t care, he emptied his pockets in less than thirty seconds. We all handed over our money, our wallets, cards and dignity,” a distraught Gingrich campaign funder told CBS news on Friday.

According to reports, Gingrich’s wife is so potent that her stare can make milk curdle, and when she speaks in her high pitched pig squealy voice, people literally have their eardrums perforated on the spot.

“People will do anything to get away from that. I’ve seen some even pledge college funds or house payments. Gingrich is going to win this race anyway he can do it. Kudos to him, he’s now the richest candidate on the field, leaving even rich boy Romney in the dust,” an election observer told the New York Times.