TSA Implement Sensual Massage Oils into Body Searches

“We think it could relax passengers and put them at ease before their flight. We can understand that they may feel a little agitated when they are roughly treated by our oaf TSA personnel. But I have to inform you all that all the TSA staff have been retrained and re-branded. We want to have a soft loving image, not the rough unkind one that is portrayed by the media,” Johnson Pistolgrip, head of the TSA, told Fox news.

By having aromatic oils at hand during the search procedure, the invasive searches that take place are less stressful.

“How about a gentle massage with some organic Ylang Ylang and arousing Pimento Berry with a twist of Indonesian Sandalwood oil rubbed gently into your butt crack and balls then some hand relief to ease you on your flight to Chicago’s O’Hare airport?”  TSA agent, Ed Mulroney, asks a 78-year-old wheelchair bound retiree, Jimmy Smitts, before he gets to the departure lounge.

After the dirty deed is done, the TSA agent wipes down and starts on his next client.