As Fuel Bills Soar Let the Daily Squib Help Cut Your Energy Costs

The Daily Squib is proud to present its guide on surviving the winter.

The average power bill has now soared to £25,975 a year with gas rises averaging 45 per cent and ­electricity almost 73 per cent.

Yet there are still ways you can save money…

GO TO PRISON

“Committing a crime can save your life this winter. At least you’ll get four hot meals and central heating on 24 hours a day,” says Joel Shamone of MoneySuperCronies.com

Depending on the crime you commit, your stay in prison could last longer. If you, for example, do a bout of shoplifting, you might get a day in a heated comfortable prison with playstations and numerous entertainment.

If, however you commit a murder or two, you could get as much as six months or a year in a fully heated, luxury jail with daily courses, full size snooker tables, playstations and large themed parties.

Or better still, don’t pay your electricity or gas bills. You’re sure to do a stretch for ten or fifteen years then.

EMIGRATE PERMANENTLY

If you live abroad where the sun shines, you will never have the problem of freezing in the winter hell of Britain ever again. You can lie in the sun every day and not just a period of six days throughout the whole summer in the UK.

SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN ON EBAY

You could easily pay for heating yourself and your family this winter by selling your every possession including your car — unless you’re a tramp and don’t have much anyway. By selling all your worldly goods, you would be able to afford the energy bills.

Another positive point about selling all your stuff, is that you would also free up a lot of space in your house, but you would probably have to sell that as well, so nevermind.

DIE

By being dead you would not have to pay anymore electricity or gas bills ever again.