Burglars to be Given Counselling

LONDON - England - Britain's socialist government headed by PM David Cameron are to increase the soft approach to crime by giving much needed support to burglars, a new white paper has revealed.

Britain is now a criminal's paradise, and millions of criminals from all over the world are flocking to its shores for some easy pickings.

“If you’ve just cleaned out a poor pensioners property, who fought in the Great War, of all its valuables and beaten the living bejesus out of the defencelless OAP, of course you’re going to need counselling and an ear to listen to your stories. It’s only human nature. These poor burglars who are violating peoples homes and making huge profits by selling off the gear need community support and councilling as much as anybody. Naturally we ignore the victims, because they don’t count,” Jonathan Slimer, the government’s Criminal Rights executive told the Daily Telegraph.

Open season

Hundreds of burglars are now being let out of prison because of the Cameron government’s approach to crime and article 8 of the European Union’s Human Rights Act.

Speaking from Westminster on Thursday, conservo-socialist MP for Whittley Bay, Gordon Arsie, said: “These poor burglars are in pain, they have acquired stolen goods from a private home, then seen fit to sell the belongings. Naturally, these criminals should be compensated for their troubles.”

Cameron’s socialist policies are also being extended to rapists and other sexual deviants, who will be given an amnesty by being given a small fine and counselling for their troubles.

This new initiative spearheaded by Justice Secretary, Ken Clark, will ensure that the prisons will be safe from rapists and burglars, so that the streets of Britain can be full of them.