UK Government: "We've Had Four Recessions in a Week"

“Last week we had four recessions, and this week only two, so it does fluctuate somewhat but I think it’s getting better,” John Smarms, deputy to the Chancellor of the Exchequer said on Tuesday.

This remarkable disclosure will confirm everyone’s fears that despite assurances that we are only having one small recession per week, it is sometimes three or four, and of course, all under the hat of one massive recession that will probably never end.

“They need to get the recessions down. One minute we’ve got one recession, then the next it’s four, I saw that in the first week of April we had six recessions in that week. This is ridiculous, what the bleeding hell is going on?” John Thomas, 56, from Bolton told the BBC.

The Office of National Statistics released further data yesterday saying that the “recessions occurred within recessions and were all part of a bigger recession, and probable bigger overall recession than the one before that recession”.