Prince Philip to be Sedated at Royal Wedding

Prince Philip, who is prone to saying things to people that may be construed as “rather f*cking nasty”, will be drugged with a cocktail of sedatives to stop him speaking during the ceremony.

Due to the extreme form of Tourette’s syndrome the duke suffers from, the Queen and William have all agreed that it is the best for everyone if he is drugged up to the eyeballs.

“He’ll still be able to walk and appear to look around the Abbey during the ceremony, but he won’t be able to speak. This will ensure that the ceremony for Kate and Wills should go smoothly,” a royal palace aide told the Telegraph.

The drugs that will be used to stop the wayward duke from speaking, will temporarily paralyse his facial muscles as well as his vocal chords, and be administered via injection.

Before the duke is drugged, he will be allowed to speak in a special secret room in the palace, where he can talk about ‘ghastly wogs’, ‘slitty-eyed chinks’ and ‘curry guzzling Indians’, to his hearts content.

“It won’t be painful for the old Greek. Just like everything else in his life, I’m sure he’ll grin and bear it. You might even see a big smile on his face on the day,” Jonty McMahon, another palace aide revealed.