Good News: EU Has Change of Heart Lets Britain Go Without Ransom Payment

Donald Tusk was cheery today after announcing the change of heart and end to ransom payments.

“I woke up this morning and thought to myself. What are we doing kidnapping the UK? We are holding them to ransom and all they want to do is to leave the European Union. We are not kidnappers, or Somali pirates, even though we have been acting like that for some time. This is ridiculous behaviour and by punishing them, we at the end of the day punish ourselves.”

EU Commission President, Jean Claude Juncker was also apologetic and even shed a tear during a press conference.

“The way I treated the British. I am ashamed of myself. Here is a country that saved Europe in WW2, and we are treating them like criminals, just because they want to leave the EU. I am sorry to Mrs. May for calling her an old bag, or was it a witch? Anyway, I would like to extend my profound grief at the way the EU attacks dogs have been treating the British. We are not Mafiosi, although we have acted like that. If the Brits want to leave, they should be allowed to do so without huge ransom payments, or punishment.”

Chief EU Brexit EU negotiator Michel Barnier, was also repentant of his awful treatment of the British.

“I am French. Yes, we dislike the British, and have for some time, however, I am extremely sorry for the way I have acted in trying to sabotage Brexit at every turn, and with my impossible demands of ransom money. The British do not owe us anything. Does Japan, which is not even in the EU, have to jump through so many hoops to trade with the EU? No! The same must be entreated to les Rosbif eating friends in Britain. From now on, I will be kind to you. Especially as it is you who liberated us cheese eating surrender monkeys in WW2 from our keepers, the dastardly Jerries.”

Huzza! Britain will leave the EU, the ECJ, and will not be held to ransom any more.