The Queen Opens Personal Facebook Account

In a rare interview at Balmoral Castle, the Queen has told the BBC “social media is a culture of the modern world and plays a fundamental role in the ever-expanding powers of communication.”

“One has taken the opportunity to connect with ones subjects in Great Britain and the common people worldwide, by opening ones very own personal Facebook account under the profile name ‘queen’.

“One decided to increase ones popularity by being over-complimentary. One of my Facebook ‘friends’ posted a picture of their dog on their timeline, so I typed the comment ‘ah too cute for words’. The owner of the dog was delighted with ones admiration for their pet, even though the filthy fat creature was so ugly one wasn’t sure if one was looking at its face or its actual asshole.

“One also credited one of ones friends’ children’s achievements. They posted the good news that their kids had passed the twelve yard swimming test, so I typed the over-congratulatory comment ‘well done little angels, you’re so brave, you’ll be swimming the English channel soon.’ This phoney gesture pleased ones ‘friend’, though one couldn’t give a rat’s ass about someone else’s kid’s swimming test. One has actually fallen further than twelve yards down the palace stairs after a night on the gin.

“One posted one of those ready-made pearls of wisdom quotes on my timeline. It said ‘love hurts, but unless you truly realise the pain of love you will never appreciate what love is’. Utter shit of course, but it gained one some ‘likes’ on ones timeline.

“One tried to appear helpful to the Facebook readers. One of my ‘friends’ posted a request on their timeline ‘does anybody have a spare lawn mower I can use? – mine’s broken’. One responded with the seemingly heroic but completely useless gesture (which is prevalent on Facebook) – ‘well I know a clay pigeon shooter in Scotland whose brother owns a large pair of tweezers – if that’s any help?’.”