TSA Names New Airport X-Ray Machines 'Freedom Scanners'

The TSA has announced that all x-ray scanners installed in US airports shall be from now on, known as ‘Freedom Scanners’, Earl Gomez, the TSA’s chief press officer announced on Tuesday.

“We had Freedom Fries, now we got Freedom Scanners, and Freedom Pat-Downs. Now when we look at and touch your genitals, you can rest assured, we’re looking at ’em and stroking them in the name of freedom, liberty and justice for all,” Mr Gomez said at a recent press conference.

The new Freedom Scanners have been a great hit with the American people, who in their patriotic fervour, have taken to being probed with gusto.

Jane Hammerstein, 34, from Austin, Texas said: “When I go through the airport, I can’t wait to get my dose of Freedom. I take an American flag with me and wave it at the TSA agents as they touch my little 3-year-old son in the crotch area right in front of me, hey, it’s all in the name of freedom. God bless America.”

Another traveller from Michigan, Brad Kahmstain, 45, “I gots me a big dose of freedom yesterday, when I went through three scanners in one day. I’m a travelling salesman and a proud American who likes his freedom. I’m not sure what these lumps are on my chest but if it’s in the name of freedom, who gives a damn? I’m waving the flag of freedom.”