Nicola Sturgeon Gives Birth After Sudden Pregnancy

“We were on a field trip to the Highlands. You know to soak in the Scottish spirit of the wild. I noticed that Ms Sturgeon looked a little bloated. Without a word, she farted and this fish smell hit us. It was like a caviar smell that has gone off. Anyway, next thing we know she’s rushing down the water’s edge near the reeds. She lifts her skirt and plops down in the freezing waters. We rushed over to see if she was all right, when these big black eggs started to fill the water. Her eyes turned upwards as she let out this god awful gurgling sound. Sturgeon was laying them from her bottom or some att, not sure.” Bruce McCollery, SNP deputy in charge of PR, told the Scotland Times.

Much to the delight of the assembled SNP troupe, it all turned out well.

“Luckily, one of us had some crème fraîche, and crackers with some Pouilly-Fuissé, we scooped the lot up, munching away and then it hit us. We could use Nicola Sturgeon to get Scotland out of this financial mess so we could leave England. We are going to use her to cultivate expensive caviar. Who needs a fish farm when you’ve got her, she nearly filled up the whole lake with eggs. We could sell ’em to rich Californians for a packet,” Mr. McCollery added.

Coming soon to the plates of the rich and famous, a plate load of Nicola Sturgeon eggs excreted from her fat and productive duille.