Gordon Brown Survives Coup Attempt to Install Democracy

Speaking deep from within his bunker in Downing street, the British Soviet Broadcasting Company cameras recorded the supreme unelected leader’s speech.

“Comrades, there was an attempt to install democracy on our one party system last night. I am happy to say that the attempt was violently quashed and crushed like a grape under my great clunking fist of soviet dictatorship. I am also happy to say that the workers and agents we installed in the polling stations eventually achieved their objective by erasing the votes of those who had misguidedly voted against me, i.e. 98.9% of voters. I would like to also thank our agents who turned away these democratic voters from polling stations in their thousands. It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who
cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide
everything. Already as we speak, my Stasi agents are rushing through the countryside rounding up dissenters. They will all be rounded up and taken to re-education camps in sector 101 where they will have the pleasure of enjoying the next 42 years of their lives crushing rocks. You will all learn to love me comrades, remember these words – War is peace, freedom is slavery and ignorance is strength. Go now to your freezing tenements and tower blocks and recite those words whilst you eat your cold gruel.”

In other news: Stasi agents praised 12 year-old Holly from Sector 23 who reported her father and sister for speaking words of shame against Comrade Brown during a televisual BSBC propaganda program. Holly will be awarded six months of increased butter rations and an extra tin of dog food. Thoughtcrimes will not be tolerated. We are watching and listening to you.