Authentic Chinese Cooking Soon Coming to a Restaurant Near You

“You may think the MSG laden crap you are used to eating in your local Chinese takeaways is authentic but you are all sadly mistaken. Here in China we eat pretty much everything and what is more, it has to be alive when eaten. This is the freshest way of cooking. We are extending our Chinese traditions to the UK and wish you all to enjoy how we live well in our polluted overcrowded hellhole brutality ridden communist country,” Xian Zamalama Ding Dong, Culture Secretary to the Peoples Republic of China told the State news broadcasting station Xing Ling Ping.

Chinese authorities are sending their best chefs to European countries like Sweden, Britain and Switzerland in a bid to introduce truly authentic Chinese culture. America will also be targeted with the culinary education, as well as Canada says the Ministry.

“They eat meat and boiled potatoes in those Western countries with a few boiled vegetables on the side. Have you ever tried a freshly cooked carp still squirming alive on your plate? Have you ever cooked and eaten a live octopus? How about getting your pooch Fido and sticking him in a bowl of soup? Huh? C’mon now, we’re exporting our culture here, get with the program already,” Mr Ding Dong added.

The Culture Minister has also brought in British TV personality, Stephen Fry, as an aid to promoting Chinese culture to the West.

“For the right price Mr Fry will do anything. We even got him to step away from his yawn inducing Tweeting for more than 20 minutes to film an infomercial on the very subject of cooking and eating animals alive. It was positively enthralling watching Mr Fry lob out those wonderful morsels of vocabulary as a live fish was decapitated and consumed right in front of him. Next week we’ve got Fry doing a special on Chinese dog skinning and the wonders of Chinese pollution,” the Culture Minister said.

The Chinese are eager to export their culture around the world much like the millions of tonnes of pollution they export into the earth’s atmosphere every second of the day.