Swine Flu Pandemic Helpline Will Advise People How to Die Quietly, Says Burnham

Millions of Britons were told yesterday not to bother a doctor if they are dying from swine flu but instead ring a new phone line manned by staff with no medical training.

As MPs prepared to break for an 82-day summer holiday in the middle of the worst health and economic crisis for decades, Health Secretary Andy Burnham called on the public not to panic.

“We’re off on our hols. We’re off to Tuscany where we will stay in our villa, which was purchased with taxpayers money of course. Don’t worry everything is fine, if you’re dying of swine flu just call the hotline and you can listen to a recorded message advising you on how to die quietly without bothering us. By the time we come back from our holidays everything should be done and dusted,” Mr Burnham told the BBC on Tuesday.

The new emergency National Pandemic Flu Service will advise victims of the pandemic on how to die quietly and not bother any overloaded NHS medical service or GPs.

Recently, the government funded Optimum Population Trust released research suggesting the UK population must be cut to 30m if the country wants to feed itself sustainably.

The deadly swine flu virus was encouraged to spread because of no travel restrictions or preventative measures being implemented by the government. As a result, the virus has been allowed to spread without any constraints.

Anyone fearing they have the virus should no longer go to their doctor, but first ring a call centre – manned by 300 staff – where they will be given advice on how to stay at home and expire without taking up valuable NHS time.

However, as fear continues to sweep the country, the H1N1 strain of the virus is spreading daily and claiming many lives. It is guaranteed that the lab-created virus will mutate to create an even deadlier strain which will accelerate the death rate sooner rather than later,” a viral medical specialist from Whitehall disclosed.

The government has moved quickly in finding solutions for the collection of the deceased from the streets.

“The NHS has taken measures for the eventual mass death toll to take hold over the whole of the UK. Every day at six in the evening a lorry will go through every residential street so that any surviving residents can throw the dead onto the back of it. All the bodies will be incinerated and the areas disinfected afterwards,” Mr Burnham added.