Obama Secretly Consulting Witchdoctors to Save U.S. Economy

The witchdoctors were flown into Washington within the first week of Obama’s inauguration and have been conducting sacrificial rituals to save the American economy from imminent disaster.

“We got a little patch of land out back where they can sacrifice their chickens, goats and bison. They like it here because we deliver a limitless supply to them and we had one guy who went through four chickens, six goats and two cows in one day. We had to fly that dude back ASAP because he was making too much of a mess,” Eli Winkleman, a long-standing White House aide told Reuters.

According to White House insiders, Obama is obsessed by African magical rituals and even goes around in traditional Kenyan dress on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

“One day, the head chief witchdoctor called Obongo conducted a ritual to show Obama his skills. Well the Dow rose by about 250 on that very day. Obama was sold immediately even though the Dow fell 600 points the next day. They need to try everything. We’re even getting some pagan witches from Salem in tomorrow and a self-styled wizard in next week. We’re running on empty here folks. Somebody has got to help us. George W Bush has dug us into a huge motherfucking hole and we don’t know how we’re going to get out of this one,” Mr Winkleman stated.

Looks like America’s going to need all the help it can get — what with China and Japan ready to dump US junk bonds, Russia vying for a world currency and the UN advising the dumping of the dollar.