British Father, Alfie Patten, Late Bloomer at 13

EASTBOURNE - England - The British media has shocked the nation by revealing the name of 13 year old father of one, Alfie Patten, as one of the oldest first-time fathers recorded in England and Wales.

Alfie, 13, plays with his playstation as he cradles his daughter

Statistics released from the office of national statisitics in Whitehall have shocked the nation with news that the age for becoming a father in England and Wales is actually rising, especially amongst the underclasses.

The average age for new fathers was 11 or 12 only a few months ago and now it is 13. Are young boys in England now fathering children at an older age? What are the ramifications of this for the future of our society?

Dr. Eisenstein of Durham University had this to say about the new revelations: “Indeed, if these statistics are true they will have very broad effects throughout the whole of the UK. This means the ‘chav’ underclasses and ‘useless sponging scum’ that make up this social group are exhibiting clear signs of maturity. Of course, in scientific circles there have always been calls for the mass sterilisation of this fast breeding underclass. What we have here, is the lowest of the low gene pool breeding like rats and the high end gene pool not breeding. If one was to do that for a few generations, the underclass, who have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and are a burden on society, would takeover. They are, of course, not intelligent enough to takeover, however, the increase in numbers of the ‘scum class’ and ‘useless eaters’ would have noticibly detrimental effects on available resources and society itself.”

All across the media and tabloid press there has been surprise at the discovery of the new statistics.

According to the Sun newspaper Alfie’s great grandmother, Charlene Scummer, 34, who has never worked in her life, was angry that her grandson had started making babies at such a late age.

“We can’t have our kids becoming parents at such a late age. What about all the Benefits they’re losing out on. They have to start early to rake in as many Benefits as fackin’ possible innit?”

Britain’s Benefits culture under the Labour government is now a flourishing efficient ‘chav scum’ creation factory which will last for many years to come.