'Rewards for Failure' Culture is Over Claims Brown

Speaking from a Labour business conference honouring Mr Brown’s handling of the economy, prime minister Gordon Brown explained that he “will not tolerate anymore rewards for failure”.

No More Rewards for Failure

“I have already been honoured by my French colleague for my wonderful handling of the Global Credit Crunch. Today, we at Number Ten received a wonderful gift of thanks from the French premier. Yes my dear friends I received a token of my success — a French turnip glazed in cabbage sauce delivered in a bucket containing the finest French horse manure. It is with thanks that I accepted the gift from Monsieur Sarkozy for it is he who has recognised my extraordinary economic prowess in rescuing the world singlehandedly.”

The auditorium erupted in applause as there were calls for “more” and shouts of “Bravo Brown” and “Hail the New Era”.

“This is why I must implore the bankers and ‘fat cats’ not to reward their failure with bonuses. They should look upon my supreme example of success after saving the world singlehandedly from certain economic disaster. If it was not for my decisions we would be in a depression right now with trillions of pounds of debt hanging over our heads. With my decisions, like lowering the VAT by 1.5 pence, I have saved the British economy. This is why my success is being praised and the banking bosses failures must not be rewarded.”

Nevertheless, despite the rousing speech by Gordon Brown at the conference, banking leaders were set to give out huge bonuses to their employees with money from taxpayers bailout cash.

Banking bosses were defiant to the end. One of them had this to say about Brown’s speech: “This bailout money was given to us for a reason. We thank the taxpayer for funding our high-flying lifestyles despite us being instrumental in causing the problems you lot are in in the first f*cking place. Rest assured that we will utilise your taxpayers money for the best in prostitutes, cocaine, foreign trips, gourmet food, luxury cars and expensive property. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got an appointment with a £1000 an hour Mayfair darling and I’m going to enjoy blowing my taxpayer funded bonus all over her outstretched tongue.”