Queen of England Photographed on Hit

BALMORAL - Scotland - Queen Elizabeth II is a secret hitwoman in her spare time according to Royal biographer Richard Fortnoy.

Fac ut gaudeam

You would have thought that the Queen of England relaxed every night in front of a big log fire with her corgis on tow and a Greek old fart blabbing away incoherently next to her but you would be wrong with your assumption.

“The Queen is in fact a highly trained hitwoman. I’ve seen her drop five terrorists in one fell swoop and without even flinching. We hire her for special jobs when we need the best and most clinically efficient shooters,” John Montgomery, an MI6 operative says in the new book.

She is in fact such a crack shot that she usually shows Will or Harry a thing or two during shooting trips in Balmoral’s extensive grounds.

The Royal biographer also claims that there have been some close shaves in the Middle East when the Queen was touring.

“The Queen had just met the Saudi King and was in her hotel room when a masked terrorist somehow sneaked into her room and past her bungling guards. This terrorist never had a chance, he was despatched so efficiently by the Queen that the shot did not even spill a drop of blood. She is an MI6 asset and worth every jewel on the crown in our opinion. She’s an independent contractor though,” one of the Royal security detail remembers.

Hello magazine recently published a story on the Queen’s hitwoman antics with a full page spread of her and her gun.

Keith Holdall, who used to work in the Royal household, had this to say about his previous employer: “Don’t f*ck with the Queen. That’s the deal. If you want to live and survive the ordeal just keep your mouth shut too. Al Fayed better watch out. She’s good with guns and knives, I even saw her beat someone once with some nunchucks. It was awful to watch but it was a royal servant who had not fed her corgi ‘Bunty’ with the correct gourmet food. Poor bastard never recovered after that.”

John Fortnoy’s “The Secret Life of Lizzie” is to be published in February. Sadly soon after the date of the book’s publishing was announced, the author was found dead in an alley in mysterious circumstances.