Ronaldo Excited to Watch Saudi Beheadings Every Saturday

Cristiano Ronaldo, who recently signed to Saudi Arabian football club Al-Nassr for a cool £175 million a year, has already been invited to watch the weekly beheadings on Saturdays.

“The first thing they invited me to do was to bring the family for a great day out to watch the beheadings held in Deera Square, lovingly called ‘Chop Chop Square’. I can’t wait to see the chopping or maybe a few crucifixions. One guy even suggested I play football with the heads. I do not think my sponsors would like that,” Ronaldo explained shortly after landing at Riyadh’s King Khalid International Airport.

Saudi Arabia executed at least 116 in 2022, which is an important component of the Islamic Shari’ah law system in the country. In September 2011, a Sudanese migrant worker was beheaded for sorcery. In Saudi Arabia, one can be beheaded for apostasy, sorcery, murder, theft, adultery, and sodomy.

Celebrated executioner Muhammad Saad al-Beshi is the top guy for topping off heads, and has been chopping away since 1998.

“I am a great Ronaldo fan. When he comes to one of my beheading ceremonies, I may even try to impress him by doing some dribbling with one of the convict’s decapitated heads. Actually, maybe I should not do that because I do not want to splatter my bright white outfit. I take great care to not let the shooting blood get my thobe bloodied.”

In Portugal there are fears that if Ronaldo does not score enough goals for Al-Nassr, he himself could be up for the chop.