Newcastle Saudi United Fans Treated to Beheading at Half Time

The new Saudi owners of Newcastle United are in talks with club directors to add some serious entertainment to home game fans. Sheikh bin Edrawler wants to treat Newcastle fans to a good old Saudi beheading at half-time as a cultural representation of Saudi Arabian culture, as well as entertainment.

Newcastle Saudi United

“We anticipate a serious upsurge in ticket sales, not only for the footie, but also the beheady. The Saudi criminals will be flown to the UK where the required Wahabi Sharia Law will be upheld. They are entitled to follow their customs and Islamic laws under the auspices of British law,” one of the directors, Ron Gadgie said on Tuesday.

Weekend public beheading shows also used to be part of British culture too but were unfortunately phased out about 400 years ago.

In Saudi Arabia, a public beheading will typically take place around 9 a.m. The convicted person is walked to a court yard near the courthouse and kneels in front of the executioner. A police official announces the crimes committed by the person, and the beheading takes place. The executioner uses a sword known as a Sultan to remove the condemned person’s head from his or her body at the neck. After a medical examiner inspects the body and then pronounces the convict dead, a police official announces the crimes committed by the beheaded convict once again and the process is complete. Professional executioners have beheaded as many as 10 people in a single day in time of influxes of crime.

Newcastle football fan, Bobby Dazla, 34, was excited about the half-time entertainment.

“Howay, man! Toonfoockintastic! This is ganin tuh be canny tuh see a reet Saudi beheadin’ at half-time. Cannit wait until the next gyem. If wor hinnies lose on technicalities mebbies the’ gan beheadin tuh workyticket ref as wey?”