Footballer Sleeps With Own Girlfriend

Speaking to Sky news via a telephone link with his voice disguised, the footballer admitted that he had actually slept with his own girlfriend last week.

“There was no roasting, no doubledeckers, no drugs shame, no drunk driving, no prostitutes or barely legal slappers lined up. I can confess to my utter shame that I slept with one woman for the whole of last week,” the footballer said, sobbing into the telephone.

The news was met with dismay in football circles and there was even talk of rooting the player out and turfing him out of the game.

“He’s brought us all into disrepute. It’s just not right is it? If we find out who this chap is we should make an example of him,” Clemence McElroony, a midfielder for Cornchester United told the Sun.