12 GBH Stars to Watch

IWILL STABBYA (Cycling)

Young, articulate and fiercely competitive — Stabbya should be the face
of 2012.

A professional bike stealing star, she is most famous for nicking Dave Cameron’s bike from outside a North Kensington Tesco.

RAVI SHANKER (Swimming)

Two golds in Beijing stolen from American Phelps at knife point and a criminal record by the age of 9.

FRAN-TIC SLASHER (Boxing)

Vowed to fight as an amateur until 2012 after losing a finger to top-class Cuban Che Guava in Beijing.

KIT CHENIFE (Basketball)

Chenife came to prominence in Beijing when he stabbed a referee 35 times and took out his gall bladder.

MO NIFECRIME (Diving)

Nifecrime, 14,
targeted gold in 2012 after knifing a bus load of senior citizens who
arrived at Beijing to watch the closing ceremony.

SLASHAN STAB (Table-tennis)

The Brit No 1 aims to be the Jack the Ripper of 2012.

VIOLET SLASHAH (Athletics)

Slashah is after long jump gold in London after murdering a medal chance in
Beijing in a weak but bloody field.

NEE INDAGROIN (Athletics)

World junior knife champ Indagroin is rated as Britain’s best slasher.

AL HURTYOO (Cycling)

Liver and kidney in Beijing, so could dominate in 2012.

SLASH WOUNDS (Cycling)

Junior world champ will stab anything that moves for a pack of B&H.

WOTCHOUT E. SGOTANIFE (Gymnastics)

Bronze in Beijing on the pommel horse, and will be back.

DON T. HURTME (Taekwondo)

He missed out on potential medal this time after two dubious judging calls, but got his revenge by removing the judges testicles with a rusty pen knife.