UK Olympic Stabbing Event Unveiled

“We needed something to sum up Britishness under the Labour government. What makes Britain Great? Stabbing and unfettered violence by crazed psychotic thug teenage hoodies was the answer. This is how our children and teens are viewed around the world — a violent seething bed of underprivileged hatred and loathing. Knife crime is our forte and we know how to do it best. This is why I am proud to unveil this new Stab Event for the 2012 Olympics,” Lord Coe announced at the British Olympic Federations Head Quarters.

The Stabbing Event will be held in the main arena in the East End of London where Jack the Ripper famously slashed his victims in the 19th century. Each gang’s killer will have a knife of their choice and will warm up first with a few members of the public. Then they will be ushered into the centre of the arena and given the go-ahead by Labour Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. The sole surviving stabber will be awarded with a faux gold ASBO medal on a huge faux gold chain to add to their trophy cabinet at home.

This is possibly the only event Team GB will win with flying capillaries in 2012. English hoodies are the most vicious of worldwide killers and can dissect their victims with expert precision.

“I’ve seen a 12 year old murder a pensioner and take out their liver with surgical expertise. You don’t even get that kind of clinical technique on the NHS,” Labour Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, Andy Burnham told a committee meeting for the 2012 Olympics.

With such a fresh pool of talented new blood to choose from, selecting the 12 GB Stabbing team will be a hard job. There have been 3.8 million British children and teens who have applied for the GB Stabbing team already this week.

“We’re looking for frenzied teen killers who can stab manically and with speed. The Mass Stab Event looks for these exact technical qualities. When we unveil the Precision Stabbing Event, this will call for precise butchery but with speed as well,” Andy Burnham added.

Labour ministers have been commending the increased violence in our streets and homes and encouraging young hoodies and thug gangs to thrive by awarding them prizes for stabbing.

“Our government encourages stabbing and murder by crazed teenagers by awarding them ASBO medals for each murder. If they stab to death multiple law-abiding citizens per annum we award them a brief stint doing community service or safari trips paid for by the taxpayer,” Jacqui Smith the Home Secretary added.