Russian Naturalists: New Type of Proboscis Monkey Discovered in Urals

Professor Suka Blyatkov, from Moscow University today announced the discovery of a new species of proboscis monkey discovered in the Ural area of Russia. Previously it was assumed the Russian climate was too cold to harbour any form of monkey, however this new discovery has truly astounded scientific teams.

“It is a very aggressive type of proboscis monkey that can endure extreme cold weather. At first, I thought I was dreaming. This thing with a massive nose which kind of resembles a floppy penis came down from its tree, snorted at me then attacked with vicious ferocity. Another characteristic we found was its call. The monkey keeps hooting a sound that resembles the word “nuke”. In the space of five minutes it kept sounding the word “nuke” before fleeing up into its tree.”

The professor also ascertained that the new proboscis monkey was extremely territorial and paranoid. If it at any time it feels threatened, it attacks with full force. Its survival instinct is incredibly pronounced.

“If you get too close to the monkey it immediately attacks without warning. Also, it can gather other monkeys from its troop and order them to attack while it watches safely from its tree. Some would say this is cowardice, but others would rightly call it self-preservation.

“I immediately looked at the monkey, and it reminded me of someone. Hmm, who could it be? Someone who is very famous in Russia. Anyway, I named the monkey Vladimiri putinus, a long distant cousin of the Nasalis larvatus.”

The new proboscis monkey discovery has astounded many Russians, who were all keen to see it when it is on display at Moscow Zoo when it makes its debut in December.