Massive Suicide Increase After Blackberry Shutdown

LONDON - England - The Samaritans have been working overtime for the last few days after Blackberry mobile phones were disconnected from the internet and suicide attempts amongst the world's populations increased rapidly.

A suicidal Blackberry driver travelling at 75 mph on an American freeway

“People are dying out there. Blackberry has to do something and do something quick. I ‘ve seen fifteen Blackberry users jump from tower blocks today alone, and it’s barely 9.30 am,” Jasper Lebovic, a waiter in Fenchurch street, London, told the Evening Standard.

The crippled smartphones are now leaving a wake of destruction behind them not only in the UK but globally as well.

“We have noticed a massive jump in the number of Blackberry suicides, forgive the pun,” an emergency worker in New York told local news stations.

One Blackberry user who was eventually talked down from jumping off a downtown tower in Los Angeles said: “I was desperate. I couldn’t connect to Twitter or Facebook for a whole half hour. I was just about to jump when the service was temporarily restored. That’s when the policeman grabbed me and brought me down from the ledge.”

In a statement, RIM, which makes BlackBerry devices, said: “BlackBerry subscribers need to calm the f*ck down, it’s only the internet. You can make voice calls or even better write a letter. How about talking to someone face to face you stupid tech obsessed dumbf*cks. We are experiencing intermittent service delays this morning so calm the f*ck down already.”

The firm faced growing calls for compensation from users who were still alive. All over the world, European, Middle Eastern and African BlackBerry owners have now endured three working days without mobile internet access, including email and instant messaging.