Chinese Can Now Cut Their Atmosphere Like Cake

“Today I am serving pollution pie. It is lovely pie with heavy metals, phosphates, poisonous gases and a good dose of carcinogenic particles,” Ling Ling Xiamin, a 34-year-old Chinese woman from Beijing’s East side told state television today.

The Beijing atmosphere is so heavy and thick that one needs a very sharp knife to cut through it.

“The air is solid, and you’re shit out of luck if you try and put a naked flame anywhere near it. Kaboom! Sometimes I see people trying to light a cigarette and they spontaneously combust. There is literally nothing left of them afterwards,” another citizen of Beijing said.

It is not only dangerous to breathe in the noxious fumes into your lungs, but visibility is next to zero and some Beijing city officials are proposing the use of heat sensors or radar to see where things are.

“We are working on being able to detect objects in the streets and open spaces with radar and heat scanners. This will enable people to go about their daily lives in a relatively normal fashion,” Wing Wang Wong, a high ranking communist party official in charge of air pollution told the Xinhua news network.