EXCLUSIVE: We’re Giving Away 10,000 FREE Cruise Tickets

This is an EXCLUSIVE offer that can only come from the Daily Squib. We are offering 10,000 FREE tickets on a luxury deluxe cruise ship departing next week from Cyprus.

GRETA THUNBERG WILL NOT BE ONBOARD

The ALL-INCLUSIVE holiday of a lifetime will be enjoyed by 10,000 lucky recipients of the tickets. We’re talking all the booze you can drink, all the food you can eat, and all amenities for free. Don’t forget the nightly fireworks (massive explosions) display on deck or the dulcet tones of drones overhead.

Have you grown weary of predictable sunsets, tranquil seas, and holidays where nothing remotely newsworthy happens? Then step boldly into the extraordinary with our once-in-a-lifetime competition: 10,000 complimentary cruise tickets through the legendary Strait of Hormuz.

BONUS – Greta Thunberg will not be onboard, thankfully, because there is a real risk of danger and death.

LUXURY MEETS LINGERING UNCERTAINTY AND IMMINENT DEATH

Revel in the sight of massive explosions that loosen your fillings as you chomp on probably the last piece of fillet mignon you will ever taste. You could even witness the exciting moment of an Iranian torpedo entering the hull and the gush of tonnes of freezing oily water coming towards you at 100 MPH.

Forget about idle shuffleboard and lukewarm buffets. This is travel with serious tension, and constant Donald Trump updates every second religiously screened on every deck. Our state-of-the-art vessels offer panoramic viewing decks perfect for watching history unfold as the tiny Iranian boats manned by permanently devilishly grinning suicidal Iranians come closer with their mines and explosives. Feel the thrill of real-time headlines, the unsubtle hum of Iranian suicide drones circling above, and the unmistakable sense that you are somewhere most travel brochures quietly avoid.

Each guest receives a complimentary prayer bead so you can comfort yourself that everything is going to be okay.

You ever watched that wonderful film, The Poseidon Adventure? That valiant Shelley Winters moment that has haunted you ever since will be recreated in real time with some other old fat bird who was “fortunate” enough to be on the cruise with you.

If you like oil, there will be plenty of that on the cruise route. We’re talking barrels of the stuff caking the ocean as the Iranians blast another oil freight bound for Europe; just be careful when you carelessly toss over that finished cigar overboard.

Don’t forget to bring your binoculars for a spot of bird watching; although the birds and everything else will be caked in the black stuff, it may be hard to recognise the species.

SAFETY FIRST. ALWAYS FIRST. PROBABLY FIRST.

Your wellbeing is our top priority, which is why we have invested in the finest reassurances money can buy. Our crew are trained to smile confidently while using phrases like “out of an abundance of caution” and “purely precautionary”. Life jackets? They’re stylish and colour-coordinated with the overall décor and we promise you won’t need them as the ship goes under in less than 10 seconds.

Rest assured, every itinerary is planned with meticulous care and a flexible understanding of the phrase “subject to change”.

HOW TO ENTER

Simply answer one question:
“What is your ideal holiday mood?”

A. Absolute terror
B. Cultural enrichment
C. Wild adrenaline with a hint of existential thought before death

Send us your answer in a self-addressed-envelope to Strait of Hormuz Cruise, P.O. Box 3492, Waterloo Bridge, London, SE1 9PX

TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY

Winners may experience unforgettable trauma, PTSD, heightened awareness, and a newfound appreciation for shipping lanes and Persian cuisine. The organisers accept no responsibility for sudden loss of limbs, guaranteed death, or spoilt salmon mousse.