Buckingham Palace Reveals Queen's Longevity Secrets

According to palace consorts and servants recently asked by the Inland Revenue to reveal certain details pertaining to the Queen’s  spending habits, the Queen is somewhat of a powerhouse of excess, hedonism and debauchery.

“She’ll wake up in the morning and have a few toots of the finest snuff from Colombia, and during breakfast will usually have downed up to three glasses of Glenfiddich. By early tea she’s ready for a Knighting or two and some opium, or she will be driven off to an amphetamine pill laden public function. This has been going on for donkeys years,” the Queen’s personal butler and dealer, Robert Bruce, recalled in Hello magazine.

The startling information reveals that the Queen goes through about 4 kgs of cocaine per month.

“It’s her fuel. She’ll be sitting in the Royal carriage and you’ll see her powdering her nose. It takes a lot out of you going to these functions all the time. She does get the shakes though when she’s off the stuff. Much like the Queen mum used to, she’ll get snappy, maybe kick a corgi or two, I’ve seen her whack Charley round the earhole a few times and he’s 62. They still treat him like a little kid, poor beggar, he can’t seem to do anything right. That’s why he’s got that awful stutter,” Mr Bruce revealed.

The details gleaned from Inland Revenue records reveal that the Queen ingests £1.6 million worth of cocaine per annum, as well as £350,000 prime grade opium from Afghanistan. Luckily for the taxpayer, the drugs are all acquired at cut prices because they come from war zones.

Palace aides have also voiced their fears for poor Prince Harry.

“He sees his granny snorting the good stuff and of course he wants some too. One incident I recall on Christmas day involved Harry stealing some of the Queen’s stash. She was absolutely furious and sent him off personally to Mahiki to score some more,” a palace aide said.