Get a Free Home Makeover With a Chinese Hoverboard This Christmas

“Plug it in to the wall socket. Wait a few minutes et voila, you now have a home makeover that will certainly brighten your day” the instructions for the Go Fast Die Fast hoverboard, probably made in some dank factory in China, reveals.

Evelyn Trout from Anglesey bought her son a hoverboard and was delighted to have a kitchen makeover as well.

“We plugged it in and went for a stroll. Came back and the kitchen had burnt down completely. We’ve always wanted a black soot lined kitchen with everything melted. Aye, at least we didn’t get flooded though,” she said as the fireman were just leaving.

Lee Gosling, 19, from Barking, North East London bought his hoverboard and enjoyed driving it down the High Street, that is until it caught fire, burnt his tracksuit off, careened into the post office and exploded burning the whole place down in minutes. Luckily no one was hurt, although an old biddy, still alive and clutching a burning Christmas card and her poodle were later found amongst the burnt out remains of the building.

This Christmas, who needs Laurence Llewelyn Bowen, just get a hoverboard.