BBC to Replace Top Gear Presenter Clarkson With Married Lesbian Feminist Asylum Seeker

Labour voters across the land were today in great cheer at the news that Jeremy Clarkson – he who needs a hot meal at the end of a hard day’s filming – is to finally be replaced with someone more to their liking.

Cold Platter

“She won’t be officially paid as she’s on a myriad of benefits amounting to £75,000 per year but I’m sure the offshore account will suffice in hiding the £230,000 per episode pay packet. It’s a lucky break for her because she and her extended family of 124 only came into Britain two weeks ago and can only say yes or no and shout ‘Big Issue, Big Issue’ at the top of her voice. The Romanian national has never driven a car but knows how to ride a donkey, this should be a nice touch to Top Gear,” series producer, Quentin Pastey, told the Mirror.

Clarkson meanwhile has been somewhat in the beeb doghouse, but looking on the positive side, at least he’s getting tonnes of steak and the freedom to sell as many Big Issues as he fucking wants.