Hollywood Drug Shortage Blamed on Coogan

“Aha!” Steve shouts as he gleefully opens up another large packet of cocaine which he dutifully spoons into his mouth and snorts excitedly.

Breakfast time for Steve Coogan in his LA digs does not consist of corn flakes, but crystal flakes of white powder washed down with a large bag of weed. By lunchtime he has consumed $35,000 worth of hard drugs and is still raring to go.

By high tea, Steve is eagerly snorting lines off three call girls’ naked bodies.

Sweating like a pig on acid, he says a few ‘Hail Mary’s’ then demands more and more and more.

The native Hollywoodites are all fed up. Courtney Love has had her supply chain tampered with. She tells him to go back to the Linton Travel Tavern and leave her and everyone else “the f*ck alone.”

Not only has Mr Coogan corrupted the whole of Los Angeles with his bacchanalian fervour, but he has sucked all supplies dry.

Peru and Colombia are having to up the production to keep up with demand. Shortages have not only increased prices, but caused a strain on many Hollywood relationships.

Last week at a party up in the hills, a famous party host was forced to serve only 2 lines on the silver platter. Guests left the party after 15 minutes and a few prospective blockbusters lost major backing as a result.

Studio board rooms are now filled with edgy executives shivering in cold sweats as they grind their teeth whilst trying to thrash out the next Super Hero franchise.

Actor Owen Wilson last month tried to copy Steve but failed miserably. He is now a ruined man, as is half of Hollywood.

It seems Hollywood is not yet ready for the man from Middleton, Lancashire.