“Comrades, there is nothing to see in the Northern Ireland riots. Everything is fine!”

Comrades, you may think that something is going on in Northern Ireland. Nothing is going on. Everything is fine. There are no riots, and our programme of diversity and inclusivity is perfectly intact. Beheadings are perfectly normal practices as well as bathing in cow’s urine, eating cow shit, having 12 underage wives and female genital mutilation. Do not forget that rape is a perfectly acceptable practice in some imported cultures, so if you are raped or one of your family members is raped, just notch it up as inclusivity at work within a diverse socialist society. If you report such actions, they did not happen, and you will be arrested for racism and hate crimes.

You must love diversity and inclusion within our inclusive, equal culture, or you will be deemed a racist fascist hate criminal and completely deleted and liquidated and thoroughly cancelled, as well as publicly shamed for the rest of your short life.

Remember, nothing is going on in Northern Ireland. We will ban all information from being reported from there, but there is nothing happening there anyway, so do not go to social media, or you yourself will be liquidated. Stasi officers will be monitoring all media so you will be caught if you are trying to find out about something that is not happening anyway.

PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF SOVIET BRITAIN BULLETIN

MAHJOUB JA’ALIYYING, 34, FROM A BELFAST 5-STAR BOUTIQUE HOTEL, HAS BEEN AWARDED £4,500 WEEKLY POCKET MONEY AND DAILY VISITS TO A THREE-STAR MICHELIN RESTAURANT FOR MULTIPLE RAPES, TWO BEHEADINGS, AND FORCIBLY MARRYING AN UNDERAGE GOAT IN A LOCAL FARM. THE VICTIMS WERE ALL REPORTED FOR RACISM AND HANDCUFFED EVEN WHEN DEAD, AND THE ONES WHO WERE STILL ALIVE WERE SENT TO INCLUSIVITY, EQUITY AND DIVERSITY RE-EDUCATION FACILITIES BEFORE BEING CANCELLED, SHAMED AND LIQUIDATED IN DISGRACE. REMEMBER — NOTHING HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE AND YOU VOICE YOUR DISSATISFACTION, YOU ARE A RACIST FASCIST PIECE OF SHIT, AND YOU WILL BE DISAPPEARED.