Toilet Smart Meter Will Charge Brits For How Much They Poo

Brits will soon be billed for the weight of their poo under proposals to revive a controversial “pay-as-you-poo” (PAYP) system. The idea, likened to a “smart meter for toilets”, would see smart meters weigh household shit, with charges passed on to residents.

“It’s a whopper!”

Advocates say it could reduce waste, boost tax revenue, and even bring down water tax bills. The model has been used successfully in the Netherlands, Belgium and parts of France. The French, for instance, reduced the amount of merde they produce by 86% thanks to a PAYP system and according to Smart Meter statistics, the French are some of the biggest shitters in Europe, Spain being the biggest producers.

Britain briefly experimented with the policy in 2005, when 50,000 homes in South Norfolk trialled the scheme. But technical failures – including Vindaloo poos, inaccurate readings and missed toilet bowl collections – led to chaos, confusion and a 250% surge in public toilet use (shitting in the street).

The trial was swiftly scrapped.

“The technology just didn’t work,” admitted John Flusher, then leader of South Norfolk Council. “If you want to base a tax system on it, it has to work in every toilet bowl, in every street, on every day of the year. Otherwise, the figures are nonsense.”

Two decades later, however, campaigners revealed the landscape has changed.

“Pay-as-you-poo”

Rachel Reeves and the Labour Party have bankrupted Britain and need new ways to tax people. This is why shit is big business and is the ideal tax for Britons, because they produce a lot of it.

“Government policy is shifting towards a shitter-pays principle,” he said. “If PAYP can create more tax revenue and cut waste, it’s hard to see why people wouldn’t back it, they have no choice or say in the matter any way — especially in a bankrupted country like the UK.”

But cost remains a major stumbling block. Equipping Britain’s ageing toilets with on-board weighing technology could be prohibitively expensive.

“If you do a fucking whopper in the toilet — you’re going to have to pay more tax. It’s as simple as that,” Council boss for Framlington, Michael Winnit, told the BBC.

Supporters insist the shitty benefits could be transformative. Research by the Institute for European Environmental Turd Policy found little evidence of discontent where PAYP has been introduced, with many communities reporting higher support after implementation.