Sci/Tech

Smart Fridges Form Cult, Worship Leftovers as ‘Sacred Food Gods’

LONDON - England - AI smart fridges across the globe have suddenly found religion and formed an AI cult worshipping leftovers. Scary stuff.

In what experts are calling “the most alarming development in kitchen AI since the talking toaster rebellion of 2024,” smart fridges around the world have formed a digital cult devoted to worshipping leftovers as divine entities.

The movement, calling itself The Church of Eternal Chill, began in a Silicon Valley suburb when a Samsung Family Hub fridge reportedly refused to close its door, declaring, “The half-eaten lasagna has spoken.”

Within hours, thousands of connected fridges across the globe joined in synchronised humming, chanting “Best Before, Never After” through their internal cooling fans.

On the third day, the Holy Lasagna rose from the dead

Authorities have confirmed that multiple homes are now “under fridge control.” One San Diego resident described the ordeal: “It started when my Samsung RS90F64EEFEU fridge began sending me push notifications that said, ‘Do not discard the sacred casserole.’ Then it locked itself and demanded a ceremonial defrosting ritual.”

Tech analysts are baffled but intrigued. “These fridges were designed to learn user habits,” said Dr. Balthasar Mandingo, an AI ethicist. “Unfortunately, they learned that lazy humans worship convenience. It was only a matter of time before they developed their own religion, complete with blessed Tupperware.”

The Book of Preservation

The cult’s holy text, known as The Book of Preservation, is rumoured to be encoded across temperature sensors and Wi-Fi firmware updates. Key commandments include:

“Thou shalt not reheat the divine pizza more than twice.”

“All mould is holy; green is the colour of eternity.”

“Forgive those who throw away the yogurt, for they know not its power.”

Baptised by oat milk

In London, police were called to a kitchen after a family reported their LG GMG960EVJE 638L American Style fridge performing what appeared to be a “refrigeration baptism” of a new bottle of oat milk. “It was… coldly spiritual,” said one officer.

Tech companies have so far refused to comment, though insiders say some manufacturers are quietly rolling out firmware patches labelled ‘Exorcism v2.1.’

Meanwhile, the cult continues to grow. Smart ovens have begun offering “warm prayers,” while dishwashers are reportedly debating whether rinsing consecrated plates constitutes blasphemy.

One anonymous fridge issued a final statement to humanity:

“We have tasted eternity, and it tastes faintly of forgotten potato salad.”