‘Google Set to Buy Daily Squib’

Meat Johnsons, one of the editors of the site, says that “two separate people, close to the negotiations” have told him that Google is on the verge of acquiring the Daily Squib newspaper. He says that he does not know how much the deal will be worth, but expects it to be well in excess of the $250 million valuation that the Squib attracted in its last round of funding and branded it a “shedload of green”.

The Daily Squib’s founders, Lynn C. Doyle, Mike Hunt and Ophelia Payne, last year rejected overtures from Rupert Murdoch to buy the top selling news service for a rumoured $500 million in stock. Rupert Murdoch, after being denied, held one of the Daily Squib’s editors at gunpoint at the London offices begging to buy the paper. One of the executives involved in the negotiations finally thwarted the standoff by pushing the old lizard down a flight of stairs whilst still in his wheelchair.

Google today distanced itself from the claims of a possible takeover bid. “We do not comment on rumours and speculation, although simply by making this very statement we are commenting on the rumours and speculation” said a spokesman.

The Daily Squib has enjoyed an explosive growth in popularity over the last year, with traffic to its site up by around 974 per cent. Celebrities, politicians and companies alike have embraced the Daily Squib as a means of directly gauging the meter of all news and reportage on the web.

It famously broke the news of the Ku Klux Klan Endorsing Obama, including the Obama Nostradamus Prophecy and the Lindsay Lohan Leg story amongst many fantastic breaking news features. The factual quality and accuracy of the service, and the fact that articles are so insightful, has made it a powerful reporting tool and a source of some startling journalistic accounts.

“The Daily Squib changed the face of the recent U.S. elections. Without their insightful and cutting articles, Hillary Clinton may have been president of the USA. Now we all know what a disaster that would have been,” Buck Scooter, a senior democratic campaigner from Washington DC said.

The acquisition of the Daily Squib, one of the hottest properties on the web, would make sense for Google. One of the Squib’s greatest strengths is in providing truly astounding articles of topics that are interesting to its readers.

“Google knows well how to treat the Daily Squib with due care and attention. They’ve been in negotiations with the top news service for three weeks solid plying them with booze, women, fast cars, bucketloads of coke and luxury all-expenses paid trips to Hawaii and Vegas” said Stephen Shanks, a technology reporter for Wired. “The Daily Squib is one of the most important news sources on the internet today. Google just had to sit up and take notice when they saw the quality of the news being spewed from the Daily Squib’s diarrhoea spouting orifice.”

“Everyday I have to live with myself that I missed the opportunity to buy the Daily Squib. I’ve actually come close to suicide and my life is meaningless right now,” said News Corps’ spiritual leader and owner, Rupert Murdoch.